it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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