Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
