dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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