so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
