So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We just shotgunned beers for America
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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