Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i think my cat just said my name.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
