How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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