I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
