your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
