apparently the secret to your success is patron
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
