I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
