it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
