if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
