I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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