My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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