Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
