Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
