Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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