if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
