I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
