According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize