boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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