I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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