My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dicks are not precious.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
