it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
