I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
