The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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