I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My liver just broke up with me...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
