my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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