i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
