so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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