....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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