Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
