haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
