Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
