My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
