i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
