Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
