I just saw a hot homeless man
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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