kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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