Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
