I am in a vortex of obligation.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
