Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
