legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
