btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
