Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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