Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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