Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
