I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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