I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
