She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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