Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Randomize
