I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
