I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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