That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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