so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet