whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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