If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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