I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
