Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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