If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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