cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
