Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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