You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
